There is a good chance that if you don’t learn how to control your anger, we’re finished. When you’re angry, you are blind and you see nothing but what is in front of you. You’re paralyzed, unable to be rational and create solutions. Your anger will be the death of you but I can’t let it be for me.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunrise Skies
There’s something miraculous about watching the residue of morning darkness transform into sunrise skies. The sun’s rays slowly pierce the blackness and begin to radiate pure light. As the light shines, your countenance begins to glow, your eyes are widened, you’re reassured, confident, and you know the day is dawning.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Nothing sounds good
Nothing sounds good after you’ve had a visit from police, telling you your father’s been shot. Nothing sounds good after having to go to the mortuary to i.d. his body. Why, why, why, why is all I could think. My daddy was on a table, looking as stiff as an ironing board, no life in his body.
How could you
How could you betray me after I’ve been nothing but loyal? How could you be unfaithful when I’ve give you all of me? How could you hold me so close to your heart at night and lie to my face? How could you possibly say I’m your queen and disrespect me like I’m a worthless, rusty penny? You must not love yourself because you definitely don’t love me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Why not?
Why not dare to be different? Why not go against trends or set your own? Why not rebel for the sake of not conforming? Why not test limits? Why not get out of boxes? Why not believe in the impossible? Why not embrace change and uncertainty? Instead of thinking of reasons why you can’t, think why not.
What if?
What if my mother hadn’t died? I would have my sister Alexandria but not my sister DeAndrea. Perhaps my father wouldn’t have died of Aids, and I wouldn’t have been left to live with his mother whose heart was hard and love was cold. What if my mother hadn’t died? I would have grown up with both of my parents who loved and cherished me. I wouldn’t have been subjected to such misery and pain. I wouldn’t have felt lonely and abandoned, useless. I would have known what it feels like to bond with your mother. I would have been taught about life, what to expect…what to do and what not to do. I would have been built up instead of torn down. Maybe. What if?
Friday, September 10, 2010
My Enemy
My enemies are not sadists or psychopaths,
my enemies are not petty thieves or back-stabbing friends.
I have one enemy, my mind.
It is relentless, defiant, rebelling against truth.
My strongest enemy is the mind of carnality,
the mind consumed by vanity, the mind that is so small
it can’t see past its own concrete walls of deception,
the mind that is entangled with the affairs of this life,
forgetting that this life is fleeting like shooting stars.
Everything my eyes can see is fading…
My enemy has imprisoned me
but I was born free.
My darkness will be enlightened.
I will not sleep with my eyes wide opened
but in a moment I will be changed.
my enemies are not petty thieves or back-stabbing friends.
I have one enemy, my mind.
It is relentless, defiant, rebelling against truth.
My strongest enemy is the mind of carnality,
the mind consumed by vanity, the mind that is so small
it can’t see past its own concrete walls of deception,
the mind that is entangled with the affairs of this life,
forgetting that this life is fleeting like shooting stars.
Everything my eyes can see is fading…
My enemy has imprisoned me
but I was born free.
My darkness will be enlightened.
I will not sleep with my eyes wide opened
but in a moment I will be changed.
Faith Villanelle
Always think on that which is divine and true,
in spite of what tests and trials you face.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
Evil imaginations, you subdue.
Broken heart and wrecked dreams, embrace.
Always think on that which is divine and true.
Incorruptible thoughts must be renewed.
All remnants of failure must be erased.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
The adversary of your soul argues
your demise but in God’s eyes you find grace.
Always think on that which is divine and true.
Vile communication must be eschewed
and every crippling fear must be faced.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
When we depend on God, we are renewed.
Before we abound, we must be abased.
Always think on that which is divine and true.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
in spite of what tests and trials you face.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
Evil imaginations, you subdue.
Broken heart and wrecked dreams, embrace.
Always think on that which is divine and true.
Incorruptible thoughts must be renewed.
All remnants of failure must be erased.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
The adversary of your soul argues
your demise but in God’s eyes you find grace.
Always think on that which is divine and true.
Vile communication must be eschewed
and every crippling fear must be faced.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
When we depend on God, we are renewed.
Before we abound, we must be abased.
Always think on that which is divine and true.
Faith and patience is what you need to pursue.
The Guests
Oh my goodness, I have too much to do today, I thought as I got out of bed. I tripped over my shoes, and went headfirst into my bathroom door. I knew the day was going to be hectic. I had a thousand trips to make before my guests arrived.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Never Say Never
I won’t forget when I made the call. I was in my car on the way to work, my hand was shaking as I dialed the number, and my heart was pounding.
“Abortion Advantage, how may I help you?”
“Hi, I need to schedule an appointment.”
“OK, may I please have your name?”
“Sable Roberson.”
As I gave the rest of my information I began to cry. The receptionist scheduled a date and time for me and all I could think was what will happen when I actually go in if I’m crying over the phone? I hung up after confirming the appointment and called my best friend Robbi.
“Hello.”
“Robbi, I just made the call and scheduled an appointment to have an abortion.”
“I know it is a tough decision but you have my support.”
“I just can’t believe I am even thinking about abortion, that I even called to schedule an appointment. I’ve always been pro-life.”
“I know Sable but sometimes circumstances arise and you have the right to choose.”
“What if I would have done that with Allen? I love my son to death and it never occurred to me to have an abortion with Allen, it wasn’t even an option.”
“This is an extreme circumstance for you. You’re pregnant by George for the second time and you found out he has another woman pregnant at the same time.”
“I know…I don’t know how I let myself get in this situation. How could I be so stupid and believe his lies and put up with his shit?”
“Look, don’t beat yourself up. I will come over later and we can talk. OK?
“OK. Bye.”
#
I left that conversation feeling no better than when I started. There I was, a single mom, involved with a manipulative womanizer, pregnant again. My mother and father probably rolled over in their graves. That was my whole problem. I lost my mom when I was three and my dad when I was fourteen. I was the stereotypical girl looking for love in all the wrong places. No matter how many times George mistreated me and our son, I kept going back. The love I had for George and the consuming desire of providing a family for my son blinded me. All that was important to me was protecting my son from growing up without a father. George knew that and used it to his advantage. I continued to sleep with him while he was married and somehow I believed he would treat my child different than his other three children. I thought I was different.
#
Later that day I met up with Robbi at our favorite spot, On the Border. Mexican food normally makes me feel better but that day the heaviness would not lift.
“Robbi, I’m so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know if I can go through with having an abortion.”
“Well, you still have a couple of days to think it through. Realistically, you don’t need the financial responsibility of another child. The child support you get from him now is not even enough for day care. He has two kids before you, one after, and another one on the way.”
“I know…I know. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did I do this to myself? He finally separated from Katherine and I thought we had a real shot of being a family.”
“I hate to say it Sable, but he cheated on Katherine with you and he cheated on you with Keisha.”
I chewed my food slowly. My rice was bland, the beans felt like sand in my mouth, and I was speechless. I knew I was foolish but it took that event to really show me what kind of man George was. Even though I was beginning to see the light, I still wallowed in sadness trying to figure out why and trying to see how I could move forward.
“Why did he have to lie to me repeatedly when I asked him about Keisha? He always said she was just a friend.”
“You had to know in your heart he wasn’t being honest.”
“I know whatever doubts I had, they were confirmed that day we went to the movies and Keisha dropped the bomb on me.”
“That was the worst phone call ever. I’ll never forget your face when we were at the concession stand.”
“Keisha, pregnant by George, due in October, just like me. He told her I was his cousin.” I let out a sarcastic chuckle.
“Yeah, I hope you never have to experience pain like that again.”
“Who are you telling?”
#
I left dinner and went home to relax and try to make a solid decision. My aunt dropped off Alex soon after I arrived home. My aunt hated George but she was pro-life too so I didn’t really tell her I was considering an abortion. I was ashamed and I didn’t want to hear any preaching. I was convicted and felt condemned already. I looked in Alex’s eyes, I held him and I continued to question my decision.
I replayed the conversation I had with George over and over. It was like watching my life on TiVo. George was sitting in the computer desk chair looking so carefree.
“George, I need to talk to you. I’m pregnant.”
“No, you can’t be.”
“You know I wouldn’t be playing about something like this!”
“Aww, man. This is not a good time. Timing could not be worse. Having a baby
is going to ruin what we have going right now.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know how emotional you get. I’m enjoying what we have right now. We’re getting along and I’m not even sure what I’m doing right now. I may choose not to live here or leave the state. I don’t know what will become of us. Besides, you know I barely get to spend time with my kids. I want to wait before I have another child. When I actually plan the child and I can be secure and happy.”
“I can understand that but you know how I feel about abortion. It’s not the baby’s fault that we were careless…”
“Well, it’s your choice.”
His speech was so dry and unconcerned. I don’t know why I bothered.
#
I had one more day to decide whether or not I would go through with the abortion
or cancel my appointment. I had been drinking during my pregnancy because my
delusion and depression got the best of me. I had already put off the idea for two months.
I didn’t have much time to lose. I was repulsed when I read about the procedure and
looked at images. What disgusted me even more was my fear of being bitter. I didn’t
want to resent the baby. I didn’t want to misplace my anger. Finally, I stopped wrestling
with myself and decided to keep my appointment. Robbi was set to go with me and I
knew I wouldn’t have to go through the experience alone.
#
Before arriving, the nurse warned me to ignore any protestors outside. I
was uncomfortable that I would even have to face protestors. Sure enough while we searched for parking, a priest walked by the clinic trying to pass out a pamphlet. I walked into the clinic, everything looked brown and there was a weird tone in the office. I felt embarrassed and I just wanted to be done. There were young girls with their mothers; there were ladies with their boyfriends.
After talking to a few, I found out some were repeat patients. I did not ever want to repeat that scene. When I was called to go in the back, I hoped I could forgive myself. The nurse administered pain medication and a local anesthetic but I could still feel discomfort and pain. As I laid on my back, fought back the tears, and grinded my teeth, I thought I said I would never get an abortion.
End
“Abortion Advantage, how may I help you?”
“Hi, I need to schedule an appointment.”
“OK, may I please have your name?”
“Sable Roberson.”
As I gave the rest of my information I began to cry. The receptionist scheduled a date and time for me and all I could think was what will happen when I actually go in if I’m crying over the phone? I hung up after confirming the appointment and called my best friend Robbi.
“Hello.”
“Robbi, I just made the call and scheduled an appointment to have an abortion.”
“I know it is a tough decision but you have my support.”
“I just can’t believe I am even thinking about abortion, that I even called to schedule an appointment. I’ve always been pro-life.”
“I know Sable but sometimes circumstances arise and you have the right to choose.”
“What if I would have done that with Allen? I love my son to death and it never occurred to me to have an abortion with Allen, it wasn’t even an option.”
“This is an extreme circumstance for you. You’re pregnant by George for the second time and you found out he has another woman pregnant at the same time.”
“I know…I don’t know how I let myself get in this situation. How could I be so stupid and believe his lies and put up with his shit?”
“Look, don’t beat yourself up. I will come over later and we can talk. OK?
“OK. Bye.”
#
I left that conversation feeling no better than when I started. There I was, a single mom, involved with a manipulative womanizer, pregnant again. My mother and father probably rolled over in their graves. That was my whole problem. I lost my mom when I was three and my dad when I was fourteen. I was the stereotypical girl looking for love in all the wrong places. No matter how many times George mistreated me and our son, I kept going back. The love I had for George and the consuming desire of providing a family for my son blinded me. All that was important to me was protecting my son from growing up without a father. George knew that and used it to his advantage. I continued to sleep with him while he was married and somehow I believed he would treat my child different than his other three children. I thought I was different.
#
Later that day I met up with Robbi at our favorite spot, On the Border. Mexican food normally makes me feel better but that day the heaviness would not lift.
“Robbi, I’m so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know if I can go through with having an abortion.”
“Well, you still have a couple of days to think it through. Realistically, you don’t need the financial responsibility of another child. The child support you get from him now is not even enough for day care. He has two kids before you, one after, and another one on the way.”
“I know…I know. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did I do this to myself? He finally separated from Katherine and I thought we had a real shot of being a family.”
“I hate to say it Sable, but he cheated on Katherine with you and he cheated on you with Keisha.”
I chewed my food slowly. My rice was bland, the beans felt like sand in my mouth, and I was speechless. I knew I was foolish but it took that event to really show me what kind of man George was. Even though I was beginning to see the light, I still wallowed in sadness trying to figure out why and trying to see how I could move forward.
“Why did he have to lie to me repeatedly when I asked him about Keisha? He always said she was just a friend.”
“You had to know in your heart he wasn’t being honest.”
“I know whatever doubts I had, they were confirmed that day we went to the movies and Keisha dropped the bomb on me.”
“That was the worst phone call ever. I’ll never forget your face when we were at the concession stand.”
“Keisha, pregnant by George, due in October, just like me. He told her I was his cousin.” I let out a sarcastic chuckle.
“Yeah, I hope you never have to experience pain like that again.”
“Who are you telling?”
#
I left dinner and went home to relax and try to make a solid decision. My aunt dropped off Alex soon after I arrived home. My aunt hated George but she was pro-life too so I didn’t really tell her I was considering an abortion. I was ashamed and I didn’t want to hear any preaching. I was convicted and felt condemned already. I looked in Alex’s eyes, I held him and I continued to question my decision.
I replayed the conversation I had with George over and over. It was like watching my life on TiVo. George was sitting in the computer desk chair looking so carefree.
“George, I need to talk to you. I’m pregnant.”
“No, you can’t be.”
“You know I wouldn’t be playing about something like this!”
“Aww, man. This is not a good time. Timing could not be worse. Having a baby
is going to ruin what we have going right now.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know how emotional you get. I’m enjoying what we have right now. We’re getting along and I’m not even sure what I’m doing right now. I may choose not to live here or leave the state. I don’t know what will become of us. Besides, you know I barely get to spend time with my kids. I want to wait before I have another child. When I actually plan the child and I can be secure and happy.”
“I can understand that but you know how I feel about abortion. It’s not the baby’s fault that we were careless…”
“Well, it’s your choice.”
His speech was so dry and unconcerned. I don’t know why I bothered.
#
I had one more day to decide whether or not I would go through with the abortion
or cancel my appointment. I had been drinking during my pregnancy because my
delusion and depression got the best of me. I had already put off the idea for two months.
I didn’t have much time to lose. I was repulsed when I read about the procedure and
looked at images. What disgusted me even more was my fear of being bitter. I didn’t
want to resent the baby. I didn’t want to misplace my anger. Finally, I stopped wrestling
with myself and decided to keep my appointment. Robbi was set to go with me and I
knew I wouldn’t have to go through the experience alone.
#
Before arriving, the nurse warned me to ignore any protestors outside. I
was uncomfortable that I would even have to face protestors. Sure enough while we searched for parking, a priest walked by the clinic trying to pass out a pamphlet. I walked into the clinic, everything looked brown and there was a weird tone in the office. I felt embarrassed and I just wanted to be done. There were young girls with their mothers; there were ladies with their boyfriends.
After talking to a few, I found out some were repeat patients. I did not ever want to repeat that scene. When I was called to go in the back, I hoped I could forgive myself. The nurse administered pain medication and a local anesthetic but I could still feel discomfort and pain. As I laid on my back, fought back the tears, and grinded my teeth, I thought I said I would never get an abortion.
End
Love and Pain
I can’t believe it took me so long to leave. I never loved anyone the way I loved him. I met my ex-boyfriend Tracey the summer after my freshman year in college. He was so handsome. He was light-skinned with gorgeous green eyes and freckles on his cheeks.
I was heading out to my car, getting ready to leave campus and I heard, “Hey there. Excuse me.”
“Yes,” I said slowly as I stopped walking and turned to look his way.
“I’m Tracey. What’s your name?”
“Katrina.”
“I couldn’t help but notice you as you were crossing the street. Where are you off to?”
“Going home now. I was just up here visiting some friends.”
“OK, well is it possible for me to get your number so we could hang out?”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Well, nice meeting you.”
“Same here.”
The introduction was quite simple but I was excited. I hadn’t really met anyone that I wanted to be in a relationship with or that wanted to be in one with me, so I was always anxious when I met a new boy.
#
Days went by before I got a call from Tracey. When I least expected it, he called. I found out he was nineteen and he actually didn’t go to my school; he attended another university. He was supposed to go to the Army but he had gotten injured and didn’t qualify. He was a Mass Communications major, he was a baritone in Concert Choir, and he enjoyed sports. It seemed we had a lot in common. We both enjoyed writing and singing. A match made in heaven. We spent hours on the phone and it felt like we’d known each other for years. I felt so comfortable with him. My attraction became stronger after talking to him.
After our first phone conversation, we continued to talk on a regular basis and soon went out on a date. Our first date was at a seafood restaurant. You would never guess but we both had a weakness for catfish and shrimp. We ordered the same meal, heavy on the tartar sauce.
Over dinner Tracey said, “In this short time of knowing you, I can tell you are special.”
“Oh really, how is that?”
“Well, you’re out here in New Orleans going to school, your adoptive family is in Turkey, you’re pursuing your dreams. That tells me you’re strong.”
“Thank you. It is hard being away from my family but it’s time to lead my own life. I’m the baby girl, so I need to learn how to be independent.”
“I’m glad you stopped that day when I yelled across campus.”
“Me too.”
Our connection really grew strong after that and we saw each other almost every day. I would drive to his house after my classes and soon we were inseparable. Our goodbyes would take almost an hour. We hugged and then we kissed and kissed some more. It was like trying to pull two suction cups apart. I began to open my heart to him and the possibility of love.
#
After about five or six months of being in a relationship, we decided to live together. Since our goodbyes were so painful, we figured we would save ourselves the heartache. Things became very serious between us and we had already talked about getting married. Tracey was a rare catch to me because we were so compatible. We shared like interests and hobbies. He was so attentive, affectionate, and hysterically funny. I felt I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had never lived with anyone before so this was a huge step. It was probably about two months after our new living arrangement that I noticed some changes in Tracey. One day I came home a little late from choir rehearsal.
Tracey said, “What took you so long?”
“You know we’re getting ready for our spring concert so Mr. Davenport held us longer today.”
“You couldn’t call?”
“It was only about twenty or thirty minutes so I didn’t think it was a problem.”
“Next time think because I was worried about you.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
That was the first time he had ever taken that kind of tone with me. I was surprised but I knew New Orleans was dangerous and he was just concerned. There had been some recent assaults on campus.
#
Right around spring break Tracey revealed another side of himself. He knew all of my friends; I only had two close friends. Tracey was my first priority. I spent time with my friends in moderation. My friends and I had been planning a trip to the Kappa Beach Party forever. I told Tracey I needed to meet up with my friend Lisa to do some shopping.
Tracey yelled, “You always going somewhere with her. Does she have a life?”
“Tracey, what are you talking about? We need to shop for our trip to Houston for the Kappa Beach Party.”
“I don’t know why you going to that anyway. I ain’t enough for you?”
“Now you know that’s not true. We’ve been planning this for a while. Besides, I asked you if you’d like to come and you said no.”
“I don’t like you hanging around with Lisa or Francine.”
“Since when?”
“Since you been spending time with them and not me.”
“Are you serious? I spend time with you and we do things with your sister and your best friend.”
“Whatever. Go do whatever you want.”
I didn’t understand what happened to us. I loved him so much, sacrificed some of my freedoms and he was turning into a different person. If I wasn’t with him at all times or at home it became an issue.
#
When I came back from spring break I decided to plan a romantic evening for us so I could try and understand the change in Tracey’s temperament and hopefully rekindle our spark. We went to our favorite restaurant, had a candle light dinner, drank a little champagne, everything was perfect. Once we finished dinner we went to the lake. We both enjoyed going to the lake, day or night. It was so serene. We both enjoyed how the moonlight bounced off the waves. We listened to the water swish as the wind blew. It was therapeutic. As we sat on the steps and looked into the night, I decided to probe him and see what was on his mind.
“Tracey, I love you. I really enjoy the time we spend together. You came into my life and swept me off my feet. I think what’s special about us is we make a point not to go to bed mad at each other. Oh, and I love how you hold my hand while we ride in the car. You are my dream come true.”
“You really feel like that?”
“Yes, I sure do.”
“Hearing you say that makes me feel better. I love you too and I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“I’ve been a little concerned lately about our relationship. Lately, you’ve been putting pressure on me about hanging out with my friends and giving me the third degree if I’m late coming home or don’t keep you updated all day. You do trust me don’t you?”
“Trust isn’t the issue. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be like that. I can be a little insecure at times. It’s just I saw my parents go through so much before their divorce. My dad used to work late nights all the time, my mom screamed at him. My mom finally hired a private investigator and found out Dad was cheating. She went damn near crazy…”
“I’m sorry to hear that. But you know we’re not your parents. You have no reason to be insecure with me.”
“I know. Forgive me. I’ll try and do better.”
I felt there was a breakthrough that night and I did see an improvement at least temporarily. I love to go dancing but Tracey did not share my passion. I went out to a club with Lisa and Francine and we partied until about 4 a.m. Tracey knew where I went and who I was with. When I came home and went into the bedroom, Tracey was sitting up on the bed, in the dark.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You must think I’m some kind of fool!” Tracey shouted.
“No, I don’t think…”
He slapped me across the cheek mid-sentence. I grabbed my face, stumbling to find the light switch.
“I can’t believe you just…”
He pushed me this time to the floor and he stood over me looking like he was going to whale on me but he lowered his hand. He just hovered over me as I was on the floor with my hands shielding my head because I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was in shock. Tears were streaming down my face. Tracey finally moved and sat back on the bed. I got up off the floor enraged.
I yelled, “How could you do this to me? You slapped me!” He sat there looking helpless as if he had just been attacked.
“I’m leaving!” I screamed.
I got in my car and called Lisa. I was shaken up and could barely speak.
“Hello.”
“Lisa…Tracey hit me.”
“He what?”
“When I got home, he asked me what was wrong with me. Then he slapped me and pushed me down on the floor. I’ve never seen such disgust in his eyes.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m in my car driving to your dorm.”
“OK. I can’t believe this. He hasn’t done this before has he?”
“No.”
“Well, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t stay with him. If he hit you once, he will hit you again.”
“But I love him. We’re supposed to get married.”
“Katrina. Love wouldn’t have abused you.”
“I have to call my mom later. I’m just overwhelmed. I’ll be there in the next five minutes.”
“OK. I’ll see you in a sec.”
#
After resting over Lisa’s and gathering my thoughts, I called my mother to get some advice.
“Mom, something terrible happened. Tracey put his hands on me last night. He slapped me and pushed me.”
“No, he didn’t! No, he didn’t. Where are you?”
“I came to Lisa’s dorm room.”
“Did you call the police?”
“No, Mom. I don’t want to press charges.”
“Sweetheart, what he did is against the law. He violated you and should be held accountable.”
“Mom, he’s the love of my life. I want to try and work it out, get some counseling or something.”
“Baby, I am worried about you. My advice would be to cut your losses. It’s better you found out now. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“I know, but he needs me. He’s gone through so much. His parents had a nasty divorce; he was physically abused by his father. I don’t want to leave him.”
“I know you’re going to do what you want but pray about it first. Spend time away from him.”
“OK Mom. Don’t tell Dad, please. I will call you back a little later. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
#
I hung up the phone with my mother so confused. I decided to take a drive to the lake where I could find solace.
I began to pray, “Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Amen. Lord, I choose to forgive Tracey for what he did. My burden now is do I continue a relationship with him? My mom said I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I don’t think Tracey deserves to be abandoned for making a mistake. You loved me so much you sent your son to save me from my sins. You’ve forgiven me so much…love covers a multitude of sins, right Lord?”
I finished my prayer and continued my day trying to figure out what steps to take.
I did take my mom’s advice and spent the next few days apart from Tracey. I went and got clothes while he was at work. He called me relentlessly the entire time but I never answered. My voice mailbox was full of messages from him saying how sorry he was, he didn’t know what came over him, and he would rather die than be without me.
I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him. He was my first true love and I believed we could overcome any obstacle. He was as sweet as when I first met him. Things went smoothly. He stopped being so controlling. He even hung out with my friends on occasion. During my junior year, Tracey proposed to me and I accepted. It was one of the happiest days of my life. We planned to be engaged for a full year and marry after we graduated from college.
#
One day Tracey and I were at our apartment just talking about a little bit of everything.
“So baby, tell me what’s your most embarrassing moment.”
“Getting caught having sex in the backseat of my car by a policeman,” I said.
“Ha, ha. I’ve never gotten caught,” Tracey teased. “What is your biggest fear?”
“Failing. How old were you when you had your first tongue kiss?”
“Eleven.”
“You were a little hot boy, huh?”
“Maybe. Have you ever kissed a girl?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“Baby, does it matter?” Since I knew me hanging out with Lisa was a problem in the past, I didn’t want to mention that it was her.
“How old were you?”
“18”
“It was Lisa wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
The next thing I knew, he hauled off and punched me in the eye, put his hands around my throat and called me a dyke. I was stunned. He punched me again in the face. When I turned around, he pounded my back with his fists and I was forced to the ground. Before I even had a chance to react, he picked me up and put me outside of the apartment.
“This is your fault. Why haven’t you ever told me that before? You’re probably still fooling around with her.” He slammed the door in my face.
#
My back was aching, my face was throbbing, and I felt something wet and warm when I touched my eye. When I looked at my fingers, they confirmed I was bleeding. I burst out crying. I was standing there with no keys. Luckily my cell phone was in my pocket. I called Lisa, told her what happened and asked her to come pick me up. Of course, she was livid. I didn’t attempt to get back in the apartment at that time. I walked to the parking lot curb and waited.
Lisa drove us to Francine’s apartment. I rushed past Francine and went straight to the bathroom. I saw my face. I couldn’t believe it. My eye was almost swollen shut, the white of my eye that I could see was inflamed, and my cheek was bruised. Francine charged in the bathroom, “Call the police. You have got to press charges this time.”
“Slow down, slow down. I’m not pressing charges.”
“Are you kidding me?” Francine asked. By this time Lisa was now in the bathroom with us.
“Now, I know you are not going to be foolish enough to give him another chance,” Lisa said.
“I’m not saying anything. This is too much for me. I need some ice for my eye. Can we take this one step at a time?”
“One step at a time my ass,” said Francine. She had been in a verbally abusive
relationship before and she had zero tolerance for any kind of abuse.
#
I knew I would be foolish if I stayed with him but he was my fiancé. How could I just give up on him? I thought love was stronger than death. I thought loving him would be enough. I thought staying and working to resolve issues, whatever they may have been, was what you were supposed to do. My biological mother gave me away, she gave up on me. Could I give up on someone I loved? These questions crowded my head.
I was in no position to make a decision. I stayed over Francine’s place and slept. I woke up the next day sore and feeling drained. I slept some more. I called my mother who was about to take the next flight to New Orleans but I assured her I would be ok and not to panic. I spoke to Tracey over the phone to see if he was still going to blame me for his actions or if he was going to accept responsibility. He attempted to make amends and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He promised to get counseling again, go to anger management, whatever it would take. His words were empty to me.
“You definitely need all of the above, counseling and anger management classes. You’re not well. I don’t know what’s wrong but you can’t continue to take your anger out on me. I thought it was something I could do. I thought I could fix it, fix you. But I can’t. Now this relationship is broken permanently.”
“Don’t say that. I can be fixed. We can be fixed.” Tracey begged, “Pleeease.”
#
My heart was broken into pieces. I couldn’t give him an answer. I hung up the phone and I cried. I missed a week of classes because I could not pull myself out of bed. I stayed at Francine’s place because Lisa still stayed on campus. I didn’t want to face anyone. I took sleeping pills throughout the day because I didn’t want to be awake. When I was awake my mind was plagued by what happened to me, my relationship. After about two weeks of me crying, sleeping, and living like a zombie, Francine became increasingly concerned for my well-being.
“Katrina, get up. This is not healthy. God only knows how many pills you’ve taken in the last two weeks. Can’t you see no matter how much you love him, you can’t be together?”
“I feel so hopeless.”
“Shake yourself girl. You can’t put your life in jeopardy. Your love for him is not going to change him.” There was a banging at the door.
“Who in the world is knocking like that?” Francine questioned. As Francine walked to the door, the banging got louder.
“Open up! I know she’s in there.” It was Tracey outside of the door causing a scene.
“You better leave now before I call the police!” Francine yelled through the door. “You know I will ‘cause I got no love for you.”
“Katrina, can you hear me? Please baby come out here and talk to me. You keep ignoring me and I can’t take it.” I did not respond. My silence only fueled his anger.
Suddenly, Tracey began kicking the door repeatedly and threatened to kick the door in. A neighbor came out and said that they were going to call the police. Tracey quickly left the scene.
At that moment, I knew I wouldn’t be able to marry him. He was a ticking time bomb that could go off any minute. I still loved him with all my heart but not enough to risk my life. I moved out of the apartment and went on with my life. It took every ounce of strength and courage I had to walk away from someone I loved so deeply. At the end of the day, I had to preserve my dignity and I love myself more than anyone.
End
I was heading out to my car, getting ready to leave campus and I heard, “Hey there. Excuse me.”
“Yes,” I said slowly as I stopped walking and turned to look his way.
“I’m Tracey. What’s your name?”
“Katrina.”
“I couldn’t help but notice you as you were crossing the street. Where are you off to?”
“Going home now. I was just up here visiting some friends.”
“OK, well is it possible for me to get your number so we could hang out?”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Well, nice meeting you.”
“Same here.”
The introduction was quite simple but I was excited. I hadn’t really met anyone that I wanted to be in a relationship with or that wanted to be in one with me, so I was always anxious when I met a new boy.
#
Days went by before I got a call from Tracey. When I least expected it, he called. I found out he was nineteen and he actually didn’t go to my school; he attended another university. He was supposed to go to the Army but he had gotten injured and didn’t qualify. He was a Mass Communications major, he was a baritone in Concert Choir, and he enjoyed sports. It seemed we had a lot in common. We both enjoyed writing and singing. A match made in heaven. We spent hours on the phone and it felt like we’d known each other for years. I felt so comfortable with him. My attraction became stronger after talking to him.
After our first phone conversation, we continued to talk on a regular basis and soon went out on a date. Our first date was at a seafood restaurant. You would never guess but we both had a weakness for catfish and shrimp. We ordered the same meal, heavy on the tartar sauce.
Over dinner Tracey said, “In this short time of knowing you, I can tell you are special.”
“Oh really, how is that?”
“Well, you’re out here in New Orleans going to school, your adoptive family is in Turkey, you’re pursuing your dreams. That tells me you’re strong.”
“Thank you. It is hard being away from my family but it’s time to lead my own life. I’m the baby girl, so I need to learn how to be independent.”
“I’m glad you stopped that day when I yelled across campus.”
“Me too.”
Our connection really grew strong after that and we saw each other almost every day. I would drive to his house after my classes and soon we were inseparable. Our goodbyes would take almost an hour. We hugged and then we kissed and kissed some more. It was like trying to pull two suction cups apart. I began to open my heart to him and the possibility of love.
#
After about five or six months of being in a relationship, we decided to live together. Since our goodbyes were so painful, we figured we would save ourselves the heartache. Things became very serious between us and we had already talked about getting married. Tracey was a rare catch to me because we were so compatible. We shared like interests and hobbies. He was so attentive, affectionate, and hysterically funny. I felt I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had never lived with anyone before so this was a huge step. It was probably about two months after our new living arrangement that I noticed some changes in Tracey. One day I came home a little late from choir rehearsal.
Tracey said, “What took you so long?”
“You know we’re getting ready for our spring concert so Mr. Davenport held us longer today.”
“You couldn’t call?”
“It was only about twenty or thirty minutes so I didn’t think it was a problem.”
“Next time think because I was worried about you.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
That was the first time he had ever taken that kind of tone with me. I was surprised but I knew New Orleans was dangerous and he was just concerned. There had been some recent assaults on campus.
#
Right around spring break Tracey revealed another side of himself. He knew all of my friends; I only had two close friends. Tracey was my first priority. I spent time with my friends in moderation. My friends and I had been planning a trip to the Kappa Beach Party forever. I told Tracey I needed to meet up with my friend Lisa to do some shopping.
Tracey yelled, “You always going somewhere with her. Does she have a life?”
“Tracey, what are you talking about? We need to shop for our trip to Houston for the Kappa Beach Party.”
“I don’t know why you going to that anyway. I ain’t enough for you?”
“Now you know that’s not true. We’ve been planning this for a while. Besides, I asked you if you’d like to come and you said no.”
“I don’t like you hanging around with Lisa or Francine.”
“Since when?”
“Since you been spending time with them and not me.”
“Are you serious? I spend time with you and we do things with your sister and your best friend.”
“Whatever. Go do whatever you want.”
I didn’t understand what happened to us. I loved him so much, sacrificed some of my freedoms and he was turning into a different person. If I wasn’t with him at all times or at home it became an issue.
#
When I came back from spring break I decided to plan a romantic evening for us so I could try and understand the change in Tracey’s temperament and hopefully rekindle our spark. We went to our favorite restaurant, had a candle light dinner, drank a little champagne, everything was perfect. Once we finished dinner we went to the lake. We both enjoyed going to the lake, day or night. It was so serene. We both enjoyed how the moonlight bounced off the waves. We listened to the water swish as the wind blew. It was therapeutic. As we sat on the steps and looked into the night, I decided to probe him and see what was on his mind.
“Tracey, I love you. I really enjoy the time we spend together. You came into my life and swept me off my feet. I think what’s special about us is we make a point not to go to bed mad at each other. Oh, and I love how you hold my hand while we ride in the car. You are my dream come true.”
“You really feel like that?”
“Yes, I sure do.”
“Hearing you say that makes me feel better. I love you too and I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“I’ve been a little concerned lately about our relationship. Lately, you’ve been putting pressure on me about hanging out with my friends and giving me the third degree if I’m late coming home or don’t keep you updated all day. You do trust me don’t you?”
“Trust isn’t the issue. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be like that. I can be a little insecure at times. It’s just I saw my parents go through so much before their divorce. My dad used to work late nights all the time, my mom screamed at him. My mom finally hired a private investigator and found out Dad was cheating. She went damn near crazy…”
“I’m sorry to hear that. But you know we’re not your parents. You have no reason to be insecure with me.”
“I know. Forgive me. I’ll try and do better.”
I felt there was a breakthrough that night and I did see an improvement at least temporarily. I love to go dancing but Tracey did not share my passion. I went out to a club with Lisa and Francine and we partied until about 4 a.m. Tracey knew where I went and who I was with. When I came home and went into the bedroom, Tracey was sitting up on the bed, in the dark.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You must think I’m some kind of fool!” Tracey shouted.
“No, I don’t think…”
He slapped me across the cheek mid-sentence. I grabbed my face, stumbling to find the light switch.
“I can’t believe you just…”
He pushed me this time to the floor and he stood over me looking like he was going to whale on me but he lowered his hand. He just hovered over me as I was on the floor with my hands shielding my head because I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was in shock. Tears were streaming down my face. Tracey finally moved and sat back on the bed. I got up off the floor enraged.
I yelled, “How could you do this to me? You slapped me!” He sat there looking helpless as if he had just been attacked.
“I’m leaving!” I screamed.
I got in my car and called Lisa. I was shaken up and could barely speak.
“Hello.”
“Lisa…Tracey hit me.”
“He what?”
“When I got home, he asked me what was wrong with me. Then he slapped me and pushed me down on the floor. I’ve never seen such disgust in his eyes.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m in my car driving to your dorm.”
“OK. I can’t believe this. He hasn’t done this before has he?”
“No.”
“Well, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t stay with him. If he hit you once, he will hit you again.”
“But I love him. We’re supposed to get married.”
“Katrina. Love wouldn’t have abused you.”
“I have to call my mom later. I’m just overwhelmed. I’ll be there in the next five minutes.”
“OK. I’ll see you in a sec.”
#
After resting over Lisa’s and gathering my thoughts, I called my mother to get some advice.
“Mom, something terrible happened. Tracey put his hands on me last night. He slapped me and pushed me.”
“No, he didn’t! No, he didn’t. Where are you?”
“I came to Lisa’s dorm room.”
“Did you call the police?”
“No, Mom. I don’t want to press charges.”
“Sweetheart, what he did is against the law. He violated you and should be held accountable.”
“Mom, he’s the love of my life. I want to try and work it out, get some counseling or something.”
“Baby, I am worried about you. My advice would be to cut your losses. It’s better you found out now. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“I know, but he needs me. He’s gone through so much. His parents had a nasty divorce; he was physically abused by his father. I don’t want to leave him.”
“I know you’re going to do what you want but pray about it first. Spend time away from him.”
“OK Mom. Don’t tell Dad, please. I will call you back a little later. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
#
I hung up the phone with my mother so confused. I decided to take a drive to the lake where I could find solace.
I began to pray, “Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Amen. Lord, I choose to forgive Tracey for what he did. My burden now is do I continue a relationship with him? My mom said I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I don’t think Tracey deserves to be abandoned for making a mistake. You loved me so much you sent your son to save me from my sins. You’ve forgiven me so much…love covers a multitude of sins, right Lord?”
I finished my prayer and continued my day trying to figure out what steps to take.
I did take my mom’s advice and spent the next few days apart from Tracey. I went and got clothes while he was at work. He called me relentlessly the entire time but I never answered. My voice mailbox was full of messages from him saying how sorry he was, he didn’t know what came over him, and he would rather die than be without me.
I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him. He was my first true love and I believed we could overcome any obstacle. He was as sweet as when I first met him. Things went smoothly. He stopped being so controlling. He even hung out with my friends on occasion. During my junior year, Tracey proposed to me and I accepted. It was one of the happiest days of my life. We planned to be engaged for a full year and marry after we graduated from college.
#
One day Tracey and I were at our apartment just talking about a little bit of everything.
“So baby, tell me what’s your most embarrassing moment.”
“Getting caught having sex in the backseat of my car by a policeman,” I said.
“Ha, ha. I’ve never gotten caught,” Tracey teased. “What is your biggest fear?”
“Failing. How old were you when you had your first tongue kiss?”
“Eleven.”
“You were a little hot boy, huh?”
“Maybe. Have you ever kissed a girl?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“Baby, does it matter?” Since I knew me hanging out with Lisa was a problem in the past, I didn’t want to mention that it was her.
“How old were you?”
“18”
“It was Lisa wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
The next thing I knew, he hauled off and punched me in the eye, put his hands around my throat and called me a dyke. I was stunned. He punched me again in the face. When I turned around, he pounded my back with his fists and I was forced to the ground. Before I even had a chance to react, he picked me up and put me outside of the apartment.
“This is your fault. Why haven’t you ever told me that before? You’re probably still fooling around with her.” He slammed the door in my face.
#
My back was aching, my face was throbbing, and I felt something wet and warm when I touched my eye. When I looked at my fingers, they confirmed I was bleeding. I burst out crying. I was standing there with no keys. Luckily my cell phone was in my pocket. I called Lisa, told her what happened and asked her to come pick me up. Of course, she was livid. I didn’t attempt to get back in the apartment at that time. I walked to the parking lot curb and waited.
Lisa drove us to Francine’s apartment. I rushed past Francine and went straight to the bathroom. I saw my face. I couldn’t believe it. My eye was almost swollen shut, the white of my eye that I could see was inflamed, and my cheek was bruised. Francine charged in the bathroom, “Call the police. You have got to press charges this time.”
“Slow down, slow down. I’m not pressing charges.”
“Are you kidding me?” Francine asked. By this time Lisa was now in the bathroom with us.
“Now, I know you are not going to be foolish enough to give him another chance,” Lisa said.
“I’m not saying anything. This is too much for me. I need some ice for my eye. Can we take this one step at a time?”
“One step at a time my ass,” said Francine. She had been in a verbally abusive
relationship before and she had zero tolerance for any kind of abuse.
#
I knew I would be foolish if I stayed with him but he was my fiancé. How could I just give up on him? I thought love was stronger than death. I thought loving him would be enough. I thought staying and working to resolve issues, whatever they may have been, was what you were supposed to do. My biological mother gave me away, she gave up on me. Could I give up on someone I loved? These questions crowded my head.
I was in no position to make a decision. I stayed over Francine’s place and slept. I woke up the next day sore and feeling drained. I slept some more. I called my mother who was about to take the next flight to New Orleans but I assured her I would be ok and not to panic. I spoke to Tracey over the phone to see if he was still going to blame me for his actions or if he was going to accept responsibility. He attempted to make amends and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He promised to get counseling again, go to anger management, whatever it would take. His words were empty to me.
“You definitely need all of the above, counseling and anger management classes. You’re not well. I don’t know what’s wrong but you can’t continue to take your anger out on me. I thought it was something I could do. I thought I could fix it, fix you. But I can’t. Now this relationship is broken permanently.”
“Don’t say that. I can be fixed. We can be fixed.” Tracey begged, “Pleeease.”
#
My heart was broken into pieces. I couldn’t give him an answer. I hung up the phone and I cried. I missed a week of classes because I could not pull myself out of bed. I stayed at Francine’s place because Lisa still stayed on campus. I didn’t want to face anyone. I took sleeping pills throughout the day because I didn’t want to be awake. When I was awake my mind was plagued by what happened to me, my relationship. After about two weeks of me crying, sleeping, and living like a zombie, Francine became increasingly concerned for my well-being.
“Katrina, get up. This is not healthy. God only knows how many pills you’ve taken in the last two weeks. Can’t you see no matter how much you love him, you can’t be together?”
“I feel so hopeless.”
“Shake yourself girl. You can’t put your life in jeopardy. Your love for him is not going to change him.” There was a banging at the door.
“Who in the world is knocking like that?” Francine questioned. As Francine walked to the door, the banging got louder.
“Open up! I know she’s in there.” It was Tracey outside of the door causing a scene.
“You better leave now before I call the police!” Francine yelled through the door. “You know I will ‘cause I got no love for you.”
“Katrina, can you hear me? Please baby come out here and talk to me. You keep ignoring me and I can’t take it.” I did not respond. My silence only fueled his anger.
Suddenly, Tracey began kicking the door repeatedly and threatened to kick the door in. A neighbor came out and said that they were going to call the police. Tracey quickly left the scene.
At that moment, I knew I wouldn’t be able to marry him. He was a ticking time bomb that could go off any minute. I still loved him with all my heart but not enough to risk my life. I moved out of the apartment and went on with my life. It took every ounce of strength and courage I had to walk away from someone I loved so deeply. At the end of the day, I had to preserve my dignity and I love myself more than anyone.
End
The Worst Deposit
It was a Saturday morning, my eyes popped open, and I blinked a couple of times and then slowly rubbed the morning crust from my eyes. As I began to lift my body in the bed, I peeped up on top of my stereo where my old alarm clock radio sits so I could see the time. If you saw this clock, it would take you back in a time warp. It’s bulky, cream colored, with big light blue Alarm 1 and Alarm 2 buttons, wires hanging out of the side, and numbers big enough for the seeing impaired. The crevices in the clock, well they’re nicely discolored. I’ve had that clock since at least eighth grade.
“11 o’clock. Aw, man, I need to get up before the bank closes!” I shouted.
I headed straight for the bathroom and the mirror looked at me in disgust. My eyes had puffy bags, still slightly glazed and reddish pink and I was a little lightheaded. Well, really I was dizzy when I moved too fast.
“Too many cosmopolitans. I love Fabulous Friday nights at Manhattan’s. Let me get outta here!” I exclaimed as I rumbled through my bathroom drawers to get a brush for my hair.
After quickly washing the old make up from my face and brushing my teeth, I threw on my favorite, relaxed pair of jeans, my Free Hugs t-shirt and my tennis shoes. I grabbed my keys and I headed to the bank. The sun’s light nearly blinded me as I walked around the corner to the parking lot where my car was parked ever so crooked. I squinted and held my head down until I could get in the car and find my sunglasses. I thought to myself after I come back home I will just watch a CSI marathon on Spike TV or MTV reruns and recover from last night.
#
At last I arrived at the bank and all I wanted to do was make my deposit and go melt on my couch. I walked in and there were two customers already being assisted. There was one man who looked like he just dashed out of the house like myself. The other customer was a woman in her mid 30s, dressed like she was going somewhere fancy or coming from somewhere. No squirmy kids in line that day. There was a young man standing right in front of me, a nice business professional, clean cut, looking as if he were on his way to an interview. At least it’s not too many people in here now. This is usually the best time to come.
While standing in line I noticed there were two tellers at the drive thru windows and two at the front. They seemed to be shorthanded that day. The branch is so small though I wasn’t concerned. I’d come to this bank on many occasions. I always walk in and walk right out. Honestly, I’ve never been to a bank where there were never more than three or four people in line, if that. Really, going in was faster than the line for the drive thru.
“I can help the next person in line,” said the teller.
One more person in front of me and I can go. As soon as that thought left my mind I felt a strong arm around my neck and a hard, cold object on the side of my temple. What in the world? This stuff only happens in movies. I slowly realized what I was experiencing was real and it was not a joke. There is a gun to my head. He is going to blow my brains out! Breathe…Breathe.
“Everybody in the lobby put your hands up and get on your knees. Tellers, hands up where I can see them!” said the robber who had me in a chokehold.
“If anyone pushes an alarm or makes a sudden movement, this lady’s blood is on your hands,” he said as he cocked his gun.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Oh,my God, Oh, my God! What do I do? I can’t scream or he
may shoot me. Lord, please don’t let me die today. All I could think was that I did not want to tick this guy off.
Although I could not see the man who held me hostage at this point, all I knew is that he had a grip so tight on me that I could barely breathe. I attempted to put my hand between his arm and my throat to relieve some pressure but his arm was like steel; it wouldn’t budge. As he held me against his chest, it felt like my head was touching a hard brick wall. It was like rubbing against concrete. His breath came through his mask and smelt like apple jolly ranchers.
#
In the midst of the commotion, I was standing motionless, paralyzed with fear. I started to feel very sick to my stomach. I was able to glance around and I saw two figures on each side of the bank line, a pair from both sides had their guns pointed at the tellers and the other pair on the other customers, ski masks over their faces, and I could hear two other voices behind me. They must have been at the entrance. Of the four tellers, three were female and one was a male. All of their faces resembled franticness. One female teller burst into tears and was breathing hysterically.
One of the robbers near the tellers’ station shouted, “At, the window, tell your customers there is a system outage and they will need to go to another branch. Whatever items you have, send it back quickly through the shoot. If you so much as alert anyone of them, kiss your lives goodbye. Turn your Closed light on to stop all other traffic.”
All of a sudden I heard four gunshots. “Ahhh!” I screamed. Other screams resounded with mine. I couldn’t control it, I was so startled. Then I heard plastic crumble and hit the floor. The video cameras had been shot. Where the hell is security? Where is an officer? This small ass branch has no protection! By this time the other few customers were face down and hands behind their backs. I heard sniffling and heavy breathing. I heard cries and sighs of desperation. I had been drug out of line and to the side of the lobby so I could see everything now. No laws in sight, only four damn tellers. Oh…no…I thought right before vomit came spewing out of my mouth onto the floor. The robbers did not let that distract them. The fear I felt intensified my hangover.
“Give us all the money in your till,” demanded one of the masked robbers. Another robber jumped over the counter and grabbed one of the window tellers and said, “Take me to the safe and empty it out.”
Since my body jolted when I vomited, the robber that had a death grip around my neck
made me turn sideways. He kept the gun barrel pointed directly at my head.
“As long as we get full cooperation, I won’t put you to sleep,” he said. His voice sounded familiar.
Is this someone I know? Why do I know that voice?
“Sir…I… I think I may pass out,” I said. “May I sit down please?”
“No mercy here,” he said.
Oh my God, that sounds like…like my ex-boyfriend Cedric. It must be him. I heard he was living hard in the streets but this…from drug dealing to armed robbery? Now that I think about it, that jolly rancher breath confirms it. He was always eating damn apple jolly ranchers. I guess he gave me relief in his own special way. He grabbed my hair and shoved me down on the floor. He put his foot on my back and pointed the gun at the back of my head. He must know this is me. How could he do this? I wonder if I could blackmail him. What am I thinking? He’s obviously dangerous. He’ll kill me if I try to blackmail him. Maybe he won’t because he couldn’t murder his ex….No,No! Besides I don’t want dirty money, no traces back to me.
“Let’s move, let’s move! We have two more minutes,” he said to his partners.
It felt like it had already been hours since they arrived but I guess only five maybe ten minutes had passed.
#
Finally, the tellers were done filling the robbers’ briefcases with money from their tills and the other culprit returned from the safe. They quickly walked towards the entrance door while the two lookouts had their firearms pointed at tellers and customers. I felt the relief of a foot rising off of my back. Tears were rolling uncontrollably down my face and not even a whisper escaped from my lips. I just wanted it to be over.
I heard his footsteps moving away from me.
“Everyone stay down! Count to 30 before you get up,” he yelled.
I heard the doors swing open and all the terrorizers had escaped. At first I hoped that one teller was able to push a silent alarm, give them marked money or something to bring justice to what just happened. Then I panicked because I thought if Cedric was caught, he would blame me. Everyone in the bank was shocked. My fellow customers had gotten up off of the floor and moved to sit in the lobby and tried to assess what happened.
At that moment, I just wanted to scream and run and get the hell out of the bank. I knew that I had to pull myself together and give an account of what happened when detectives arrived. That account would not reveal my assumption about Cedric.
“Are you okay?” said one of the tellers.
“I’m still alive, so…” I said.
End
“11 o’clock. Aw, man, I need to get up before the bank closes!” I shouted.
I headed straight for the bathroom and the mirror looked at me in disgust. My eyes had puffy bags, still slightly glazed and reddish pink and I was a little lightheaded. Well, really I was dizzy when I moved too fast.
“Too many cosmopolitans. I love Fabulous Friday nights at Manhattan’s. Let me get outta here!” I exclaimed as I rumbled through my bathroom drawers to get a brush for my hair.
After quickly washing the old make up from my face and brushing my teeth, I threw on my favorite, relaxed pair of jeans, my Free Hugs t-shirt and my tennis shoes. I grabbed my keys and I headed to the bank. The sun’s light nearly blinded me as I walked around the corner to the parking lot where my car was parked ever so crooked. I squinted and held my head down until I could get in the car and find my sunglasses. I thought to myself after I come back home I will just watch a CSI marathon on Spike TV or MTV reruns and recover from last night.
#
At last I arrived at the bank and all I wanted to do was make my deposit and go melt on my couch. I walked in and there were two customers already being assisted. There was one man who looked like he just dashed out of the house like myself. The other customer was a woman in her mid 30s, dressed like she was going somewhere fancy or coming from somewhere. No squirmy kids in line that day. There was a young man standing right in front of me, a nice business professional, clean cut, looking as if he were on his way to an interview. At least it’s not too many people in here now. This is usually the best time to come.
While standing in line I noticed there were two tellers at the drive thru windows and two at the front. They seemed to be shorthanded that day. The branch is so small though I wasn’t concerned. I’d come to this bank on many occasions. I always walk in and walk right out. Honestly, I’ve never been to a bank where there were never more than three or four people in line, if that. Really, going in was faster than the line for the drive thru.
“I can help the next person in line,” said the teller.
One more person in front of me and I can go. As soon as that thought left my mind I felt a strong arm around my neck and a hard, cold object on the side of my temple. What in the world? This stuff only happens in movies. I slowly realized what I was experiencing was real and it was not a joke. There is a gun to my head. He is going to blow my brains out! Breathe…Breathe.
“Everybody in the lobby put your hands up and get on your knees. Tellers, hands up where I can see them!” said the robber who had me in a chokehold.
“If anyone pushes an alarm or makes a sudden movement, this lady’s blood is on your hands,” he said as he cocked his gun.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Oh,my God, Oh, my God! What do I do? I can’t scream or he
may shoot me. Lord, please don’t let me die today. All I could think was that I did not want to tick this guy off.
Although I could not see the man who held me hostage at this point, all I knew is that he had a grip so tight on me that I could barely breathe. I attempted to put my hand between his arm and my throat to relieve some pressure but his arm was like steel; it wouldn’t budge. As he held me against his chest, it felt like my head was touching a hard brick wall. It was like rubbing against concrete. His breath came through his mask and smelt like apple jolly ranchers.
#
In the midst of the commotion, I was standing motionless, paralyzed with fear. I started to feel very sick to my stomach. I was able to glance around and I saw two figures on each side of the bank line, a pair from both sides had their guns pointed at the tellers and the other pair on the other customers, ski masks over their faces, and I could hear two other voices behind me. They must have been at the entrance. Of the four tellers, three were female and one was a male. All of their faces resembled franticness. One female teller burst into tears and was breathing hysterically.
One of the robbers near the tellers’ station shouted, “At, the window, tell your customers there is a system outage and they will need to go to another branch. Whatever items you have, send it back quickly through the shoot. If you so much as alert anyone of them, kiss your lives goodbye. Turn your Closed light on to stop all other traffic.”
All of a sudden I heard four gunshots. “Ahhh!” I screamed. Other screams resounded with mine. I couldn’t control it, I was so startled. Then I heard plastic crumble and hit the floor. The video cameras had been shot. Where the hell is security? Where is an officer? This small ass branch has no protection! By this time the other few customers were face down and hands behind their backs. I heard sniffling and heavy breathing. I heard cries and sighs of desperation. I had been drug out of line and to the side of the lobby so I could see everything now. No laws in sight, only four damn tellers. Oh…no…I thought right before vomit came spewing out of my mouth onto the floor. The robbers did not let that distract them. The fear I felt intensified my hangover.
“Give us all the money in your till,” demanded one of the masked robbers. Another robber jumped over the counter and grabbed one of the window tellers and said, “Take me to the safe and empty it out.”
Since my body jolted when I vomited, the robber that had a death grip around my neck
made me turn sideways. He kept the gun barrel pointed directly at my head.
“As long as we get full cooperation, I won’t put you to sleep,” he said. His voice sounded familiar.
Is this someone I know? Why do I know that voice?
“Sir…I… I think I may pass out,” I said. “May I sit down please?”
“No mercy here,” he said.
Oh my God, that sounds like…like my ex-boyfriend Cedric. It must be him. I heard he was living hard in the streets but this…from drug dealing to armed robbery? Now that I think about it, that jolly rancher breath confirms it. He was always eating damn apple jolly ranchers. I guess he gave me relief in his own special way. He grabbed my hair and shoved me down on the floor. He put his foot on my back and pointed the gun at the back of my head. He must know this is me. How could he do this? I wonder if I could blackmail him. What am I thinking? He’s obviously dangerous. He’ll kill me if I try to blackmail him. Maybe he won’t because he couldn’t murder his ex….No,No! Besides I don’t want dirty money, no traces back to me.
“Let’s move, let’s move! We have two more minutes,” he said to his partners.
It felt like it had already been hours since they arrived but I guess only five maybe ten minutes had passed.
#
Finally, the tellers were done filling the robbers’ briefcases with money from their tills and the other culprit returned from the safe. They quickly walked towards the entrance door while the two lookouts had their firearms pointed at tellers and customers. I felt the relief of a foot rising off of my back. Tears were rolling uncontrollably down my face and not even a whisper escaped from my lips. I just wanted it to be over.
I heard his footsteps moving away from me.
“Everyone stay down! Count to 30 before you get up,” he yelled.
I heard the doors swing open and all the terrorizers had escaped. At first I hoped that one teller was able to push a silent alarm, give them marked money or something to bring justice to what just happened. Then I panicked because I thought if Cedric was caught, he would blame me. Everyone in the bank was shocked. My fellow customers had gotten up off of the floor and moved to sit in the lobby and tried to assess what happened.
At that moment, I just wanted to scream and run and get the hell out of the bank. I knew that I had to pull myself together and give an account of what happened when detectives arrived. That account would not reveal my assumption about Cedric.
“Are you okay?” said one of the tellers.
“I’m still alive, so…” I said.
End
Public Event
It was always my dream to be in the limelight, to be internationally known. I couldn’t think of a better way to leave my mark. What I hadn’t planned on were the days I longed for privacy, to be normal. I didn’t plan on sneaking out my house, sneaking into restaurants. I didn’t imagine that my love life would be front page news and every move I made would become a public event.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Prompt--Rabbit
Last summer my son B.J. had the chance to experience farm life. He told me he loved the hay rides because he could use the straw to make prickly hay men. He said grandpa would let him jump in the pond like a leap frog. Most of all he was excited about the furry, bouncing bunnies that would be in the field.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sleepless
After discovering that her lover was really someone else's, she cried salty tears. She couldn't scream, only heavy sighs escaped her mouth. Alexa went to her medicine cabinet to get her sleep aids. She angrily opened the top and took two pills out. She went to the kitchen and poured out a glass of vodka and orange juice to chase the pills. One hour passed and Alexa didn't fall into the sleep she so desperately wanted. She was simply numb.
Tomatoes
After a miserable day at work, I decided to go home and fix tacos for dinner. I love Mexican food and I needed something to make me feel good. When I entered my kitchen, I turned on some smooth R&B to calm my nerves. I took out the ground beef and began to brown it. Then, I took out these beautiful, fresh, ripe, juicy tomatoes to dice. I couldn't wait to use my new cutting board. As I sliced the tomato in half, I sliced my finger and blood leaked out.
This is from a writing prompt on "Lettuce"
Years of verbal abuse damaged her fraile ego. They say sticks and stones may break your bones but words never hurt. That was not true for Destiny. Words cut her deep. Her wounds remained open and she became infected with self-hate. Her innocence and joy become withered and spoiled like old lettuce.
My Journey to Mindfulness
Having no direction as a child shaped me into a very foolish and reckless young woman. I learned hard lessons through trial and error, terror and heartbreak. As I mature I am enlightened and realize I must take control of my destiny with my thoughts. I realize where my mind is is where I am. My thoughts are my reality. Now I am mindful of the way I think and the words I say. My thoughts and my tongue are where creative power lies.
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