I can’t believe it took me so long to leave. I never loved anyone the way I loved him. I met my ex-boyfriend Tracey the summer after my freshman year in college. He was so handsome. He was light-skinned with gorgeous green eyes and freckles on his cheeks.
I was heading out to my car, getting ready to leave campus and I heard, “Hey there. Excuse me.”
“Yes,” I said slowly as I stopped walking and turned to look his way.
“I’m Tracey. What’s your name?”
“Katrina.”
“I couldn’t help but notice you as you were crossing the street. Where are you off to?”
“Going home now. I was just up here visiting some friends.”
“OK, well is it possible for me to get your number so we could hang out?”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Well, nice meeting you.”
“Same here.”
The introduction was quite simple but I was excited. I hadn’t really met anyone that I wanted to be in a relationship with or that wanted to be in one with me, so I was always anxious when I met a new boy.
#
Days went by before I got a call from Tracey. When I least expected it, he called. I found out he was nineteen and he actually didn’t go to my school; he attended another university. He was supposed to go to the Army but he had gotten injured and didn’t qualify. He was a Mass Communications major, he was a baritone in Concert Choir, and he enjoyed sports. It seemed we had a lot in common. We both enjoyed writing and singing. A match made in heaven. We spent hours on the phone and it felt like we’d known each other for years. I felt so comfortable with him. My attraction became stronger after talking to him.
After our first phone conversation, we continued to talk on a regular basis and soon went out on a date. Our first date was at a seafood restaurant. You would never guess but we both had a weakness for catfish and shrimp. We ordered the same meal, heavy on the tartar sauce.
Over dinner Tracey said, “In this short time of knowing you, I can tell you are special.”
“Oh really, how is that?”
“Well, you’re out here in New Orleans going to school, your adoptive family is in Turkey, you’re pursuing your dreams. That tells me you’re strong.”
“Thank you. It is hard being away from my family but it’s time to lead my own life. I’m the baby girl, so I need to learn how to be independent.”
“I’m glad you stopped that day when I yelled across campus.”
“Me too.”
Our connection really grew strong after that and we saw each other almost every day. I would drive to his house after my classes and soon we were inseparable. Our goodbyes would take almost an hour. We hugged and then we kissed and kissed some more. It was like trying to pull two suction cups apart. I began to open my heart to him and the possibility of love.
#
After about five or six months of being in a relationship, we decided to live together. Since our goodbyes were so painful, we figured we would save ourselves the heartache. Things became very serious between us and we had already talked about getting married. Tracey was a rare catch to me because we were so compatible. We shared like interests and hobbies. He was so attentive, affectionate, and hysterically funny. I felt I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had never lived with anyone before so this was a huge step. It was probably about two months after our new living arrangement that I noticed some changes in Tracey. One day I came home a little late from choir rehearsal.
Tracey said, “What took you so long?”
“You know we’re getting ready for our spring concert so Mr. Davenport held us longer today.”
“You couldn’t call?”
“It was only about twenty or thirty minutes so I didn’t think it was a problem.”
“Next time think because I was worried about you.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
That was the first time he had ever taken that kind of tone with me. I was surprised but I knew New Orleans was dangerous and he was just concerned. There had been some recent assaults on campus.
#
Right around spring break Tracey revealed another side of himself. He knew all of my friends; I only had two close friends. Tracey was my first priority. I spent time with my friends in moderation. My friends and I had been planning a trip to the Kappa Beach Party forever. I told Tracey I needed to meet up with my friend Lisa to do some shopping.
Tracey yelled, “You always going somewhere with her. Does she have a life?”
“Tracey, what are you talking about? We need to shop for our trip to Houston for the Kappa Beach Party.”
“I don’t know why you going to that anyway. I ain’t enough for you?”
“Now you know that’s not true. We’ve been planning this for a while. Besides, I asked you if you’d like to come and you said no.”
“I don’t like you hanging around with Lisa or Francine.”
“Since when?”
“Since you been spending time with them and not me.”
“Are you serious? I spend time with you and we do things with your sister and your best friend.”
“Whatever. Go do whatever you want.”
I didn’t understand what happened to us. I loved him so much, sacrificed some of my freedoms and he was turning into a different person. If I wasn’t with him at all times or at home it became an issue.
#
When I came back from spring break I decided to plan a romantic evening for us so I could try and understand the change in Tracey’s temperament and hopefully rekindle our spark. We went to our favorite restaurant, had a candle light dinner, drank a little champagne, everything was perfect. Once we finished dinner we went to the lake. We both enjoyed going to the lake, day or night. It was so serene. We both enjoyed how the moonlight bounced off the waves. We listened to the water swish as the wind blew. It was therapeutic. As we sat on the steps and looked into the night, I decided to probe him and see what was on his mind.
“Tracey, I love you. I really enjoy the time we spend together. You came into my life and swept me off my feet. I think what’s special about us is we make a point not to go to bed mad at each other. Oh, and I love how you hold my hand while we ride in the car. You are my dream come true.”
“You really feel like that?”
“Yes, I sure do.”
“Hearing you say that makes me feel better. I love you too and I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“I’ve been a little concerned lately about our relationship. Lately, you’ve been putting pressure on me about hanging out with my friends and giving me the third degree if I’m late coming home or don’t keep you updated all day. You do trust me don’t you?”
“Trust isn’t the issue. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be like that. I can be a little insecure at times. It’s just I saw my parents go through so much before their divorce. My dad used to work late nights all the time, my mom screamed at him. My mom finally hired a private investigator and found out Dad was cheating. She went damn near crazy…”
“I’m sorry to hear that. But you know we’re not your parents. You have no reason to be insecure with me.”
“I know. Forgive me. I’ll try and do better.”
I felt there was a breakthrough that night and I did see an improvement at least temporarily. I love to go dancing but Tracey did not share my passion. I went out to a club with Lisa and Francine and we partied until about 4 a.m. Tracey knew where I went and who I was with. When I came home and went into the bedroom, Tracey was sitting up on the bed, in the dark.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You must think I’m some kind of fool!” Tracey shouted.
“No, I don’t think…”
He slapped me across the cheek mid-sentence. I grabbed my face, stumbling to find the light switch.
“I can’t believe you just…”
He pushed me this time to the floor and he stood over me looking like he was going to whale on me but he lowered his hand. He just hovered over me as I was on the floor with my hands shielding my head because I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was in shock. Tears were streaming down my face. Tracey finally moved and sat back on the bed. I got up off the floor enraged.
I yelled, “How could you do this to me? You slapped me!” He sat there looking helpless as if he had just been attacked.
“I’m leaving!” I screamed.
I got in my car and called Lisa. I was shaken up and could barely speak.
“Hello.”
“Lisa…Tracey hit me.”
“He what?”
“When I got home, he asked me what was wrong with me. Then he slapped me and pushed me down on the floor. I’ve never seen such disgust in his eyes.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m in my car driving to your dorm.”
“OK. I can’t believe this. He hasn’t done this before has he?”
“No.”
“Well, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t stay with him. If he hit you once, he will hit you again.”
“But I love him. We’re supposed to get married.”
“Katrina. Love wouldn’t have abused you.”
“I have to call my mom later. I’m just overwhelmed. I’ll be there in the next five minutes.”
“OK. I’ll see you in a sec.”
#
After resting over Lisa’s and gathering my thoughts, I called my mother to get some advice.
“Mom, something terrible happened. Tracey put his hands on me last night. He slapped me and pushed me.”
“No, he didn’t! No, he didn’t. Where are you?”
“I came to Lisa’s dorm room.”
“Did you call the police?”
“No, Mom. I don’t want to press charges.”
“Sweetheart, what he did is against the law. He violated you and should be held accountable.”
“Mom, he’s the love of my life. I want to try and work it out, get some counseling or something.”
“Baby, I am worried about you. My advice would be to cut your losses. It’s better you found out now. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“I know, but he needs me. He’s gone through so much. His parents had a nasty divorce; he was physically abused by his father. I don’t want to leave him.”
“I know you’re going to do what you want but pray about it first. Spend time away from him.”
“OK Mom. Don’t tell Dad, please. I will call you back a little later. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
#
I hung up the phone with my mother so confused. I decided to take a drive to the lake where I could find solace.
I began to pray, “Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Amen. Lord, I choose to forgive Tracey for what he did. My burden now is do I continue a relationship with him? My mom said I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I don’t think Tracey deserves to be abandoned for making a mistake. You loved me so much you sent your son to save me from my sins. You’ve forgiven me so much…love covers a multitude of sins, right Lord?”
I finished my prayer and continued my day trying to figure out what steps to take.
I did take my mom’s advice and spent the next few days apart from Tracey. I went and got clothes while he was at work. He called me relentlessly the entire time but I never answered. My voice mailbox was full of messages from him saying how sorry he was, he didn’t know what came over him, and he would rather die than be without me.
I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him. He was my first true love and I believed we could overcome any obstacle. He was as sweet as when I first met him. Things went smoothly. He stopped being so controlling. He even hung out with my friends on occasion. During my junior year, Tracey proposed to me and I accepted. It was one of the happiest days of my life. We planned to be engaged for a full year and marry after we graduated from college.
#
One day Tracey and I were at our apartment just talking about a little bit of everything.
“So baby, tell me what’s your most embarrassing moment.”
“Getting caught having sex in the backseat of my car by a policeman,” I said.
“Ha, ha. I’ve never gotten caught,” Tracey teased. “What is your biggest fear?”
“Failing. How old were you when you had your first tongue kiss?”
“Eleven.”
“You were a little hot boy, huh?”
“Maybe. Have you ever kissed a girl?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“Baby, does it matter?” Since I knew me hanging out with Lisa was a problem in the past, I didn’t want to mention that it was her.
“How old were you?”
“18”
“It was Lisa wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
The next thing I knew, he hauled off and punched me in the eye, put his hands around my throat and called me a dyke. I was stunned. He punched me again in the face. When I turned around, he pounded my back with his fists and I was forced to the ground. Before I even had a chance to react, he picked me up and put me outside of the apartment.
“This is your fault. Why haven’t you ever told me that before? You’re probably still fooling around with her.” He slammed the door in my face.
#
My back was aching, my face was throbbing, and I felt something wet and warm when I touched my eye. When I looked at my fingers, they confirmed I was bleeding. I burst out crying. I was standing there with no keys. Luckily my cell phone was in my pocket. I called Lisa, told her what happened and asked her to come pick me up. Of course, she was livid. I didn’t attempt to get back in the apartment at that time. I walked to the parking lot curb and waited.
Lisa drove us to Francine’s apartment. I rushed past Francine and went straight to the bathroom. I saw my face. I couldn’t believe it. My eye was almost swollen shut, the white of my eye that I could see was inflamed, and my cheek was bruised. Francine charged in the bathroom, “Call the police. You have got to press charges this time.”
“Slow down, slow down. I’m not pressing charges.”
“Are you kidding me?” Francine asked. By this time Lisa was now in the bathroom with us.
“Now, I know you are not going to be foolish enough to give him another chance,” Lisa said.
“I’m not saying anything. This is too much for me. I need some ice for my eye. Can we take this one step at a time?”
“One step at a time my ass,” said Francine. She had been in a verbally abusive
relationship before and she had zero tolerance for any kind of abuse.
#
I knew I would be foolish if I stayed with him but he was my fiancé. How could I just give up on him? I thought love was stronger than death. I thought loving him would be enough. I thought staying and working to resolve issues, whatever they may have been, was what you were supposed to do. My biological mother gave me away, she gave up on me. Could I give up on someone I loved? These questions crowded my head.
I was in no position to make a decision. I stayed over Francine’s place and slept. I woke up the next day sore and feeling drained. I slept some more. I called my mother who was about to take the next flight to New Orleans but I assured her I would be ok and not to panic. I spoke to Tracey over the phone to see if he was still going to blame me for his actions or if he was going to accept responsibility. He attempted to make amends and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He promised to get counseling again, go to anger management, whatever it would take. His words were empty to me.
“You definitely need all of the above, counseling and anger management classes. You’re not well. I don’t know what’s wrong but you can’t continue to take your anger out on me. I thought it was something I could do. I thought I could fix it, fix you. But I can’t. Now this relationship is broken permanently.”
“Don’t say that. I can be fixed. We can be fixed.” Tracey begged, “Pleeease.”
#
My heart was broken into pieces. I couldn’t give him an answer. I hung up the phone and I cried. I missed a week of classes because I could not pull myself out of bed. I stayed at Francine’s place because Lisa still stayed on campus. I didn’t want to face anyone. I took sleeping pills throughout the day because I didn’t want to be awake. When I was awake my mind was plagued by what happened to me, my relationship. After about two weeks of me crying, sleeping, and living like a zombie, Francine became increasingly concerned for my well-being.
“Katrina, get up. This is not healthy. God only knows how many pills you’ve taken in the last two weeks. Can’t you see no matter how much you love him, you can’t be together?”
“I feel so hopeless.”
“Shake yourself girl. You can’t put your life in jeopardy. Your love for him is not going to change him.” There was a banging at the door.
“Who in the world is knocking like that?” Francine questioned. As Francine walked to the door, the banging got louder.
“Open up! I know she’s in there.” It was Tracey outside of the door causing a scene.
“You better leave now before I call the police!” Francine yelled through the door. “You know I will ‘cause I got no love for you.”
“Katrina, can you hear me? Please baby come out here and talk to me. You keep ignoring me and I can’t take it.” I did not respond. My silence only fueled his anger.
Suddenly, Tracey began kicking the door repeatedly and threatened to kick the door in. A neighbor came out and said that they were going to call the police. Tracey quickly left the scene.
At that moment, I knew I wouldn’t be able to marry him. He was a ticking time bomb that could go off any minute. I still loved him with all my heart but not enough to risk my life. I moved out of the apartment and went on with my life. It took every ounce of strength and courage I had to walk away from someone I loved so deeply. At the end of the day, I had to preserve my dignity and I love myself more than anyone.
End
No comments:
Post a Comment