Never Say Never

I won’t forget when I made the call. I was in my car on the way to work, my hand was shaking as I dialed the number, and my heart was pounding.


“Abortion Advantage, how may I help you?”

“Hi, I need to schedule an appointment.”

“OK, may I please have your name?”

“Sable Roberson.”

As I gave the rest of my information I began to cry. The receptionist scheduled a date and time for me and all I could think was what will happen when I actually go in if I’m crying over the phone? I hung up after confirming the appointment and called my best friend Robbi.

“Hello.”

“Robbi, I just made the call and scheduled an appointment to have an abortion.”

“I know it is a tough decision but you have my support.”

“I just can’t believe I am even thinking about abortion, that I even called to schedule an appointment. I’ve always been pro-life.”

“I know Sable but sometimes circumstances arise and you have the right to choose.”

“What if I would have done that with Allen? I love my son to death and it never occurred to me to have an abortion with Allen, it wasn’t even an option.”

“This is an extreme circumstance for you. You’re pregnant by George for the second time and you found out he has another woman pregnant at the same time.”

“I know…I don’t know how I let myself get in this situation. How could I be so stupid and believe his lies and put up with his shit?”

“Look, don’t beat yourself up. I will come over later and we can talk. OK?

“OK. Bye.”

#

I left that conversation feeling no better than when I started. There I was, a single mom, involved with a manipulative womanizer, pregnant again. My mother and father probably rolled over in their graves. That was my whole problem. I lost my mom when I was three and my dad when I was fourteen. I was the stereotypical girl looking for love in all the wrong places. No matter how many times George mistreated me and our son, I kept going back. The love I had for George and the consuming desire of providing a family for my son blinded me. All that was important to me was protecting my son from growing up without a father. George knew that and used it to his advantage. I continued to sleep with him while he was married and somehow I believed he would treat my child different than his other three children. I thought I was different.

#

Later that day I met up with Robbi at our favorite spot, On the Border. Mexican food normally makes me feel better but that day the heaviness would not lift.

“Robbi, I’m so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know if I can go through with having an abortion.”

“Well, you still have a couple of days to think it through. Realistically, you don’t need the financial responsibility of another child. The child support you get from him now is not even enough for day care. He has two kids before you, one after, and another one on the way.”

“I know…I know. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did I do this to myself? He finally separated from Katherine and I thought we had a real shot of being a family.”

“I hate to say it Sable, but he cheated on Katherine with you and he cheated on you with Keisha.”

I chewed my food slowly. My rice was bland, the beans felt like sand in my mouth, and I was speechless. I knew I was foolish but it took that event to really show me what kind of man George was. Even though I was beginning to see the light, I still wallowed in sadness trying to figure out why and trying to see how I could move forward.

“Why did he have to lie to me repeatedly when I asked him about Keisha? He always said she was just a friend.”

“You had to know in your heart he wasn’t being honest.”

“I know whatever doubts I had, they were confirmed that day we went to the movies and Keisha dropped the bomb on me.”

“That was the worst phone call ever. I’ll never forget your face when we were at the concession stand.”

“Keisha, pregnant by George, due in October, just like me. He told her I was his cousin.” I let out a sarcastic chuckle.

“Yeah, I hope you never have to experience pain like that again.”

“Who are you telling?”

#

I left dinner and went home to relax and try to make a solid decision. My aunt dropped off Alex soon after I arrived home. My aunt hated George but she was pro-life too so I didn’t really tell her I was considering an abortion. I was ashamed and I didn’t want to hear any preaching. I was convicted and felt condemned already. I looked in Alex’s eyes, I held him and I continued to question my decision.

I replayed the conversation I had with George over and over. It was like watching my life on TiVo. George was sitting in the computer desk chair looking so carefree.

“George, I need to talk to you. I’m pregnant.”

“No, you can’t be.”

“You know I wouldn’t be playing about something like this!”

“Aww, man. This is not a good time. Timing could not be worse. Having a baby

is going to ruin what we have going right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know how emotional you get. I’m enjoying what we have right now. We’re getting along and I’m not even sure what I’m doing right now. I may choose not to live here or leave the state. I don’t know what will become of us. Besides, you know I barely get to spend time with my kids. I want to wait before I have another child. When I actually plan the child and I can be secure and happy.”

“I can understand that but you know how I feel about abortion. It’s not the baby’s fault that we were careless…”

“Well, it’s your choice.”

His speech was so dry and unconcerned. I don’t know why I bothered.

#

I had one more day to decide whether or not I would go through with the abortion

or cancel my appointment. I had been drinking during my pregnancy because my

delusion and depression got the best of me. I had already put off the idea for two months.

I didn’t have much time to lose. I was repulsed when I read about the procedure and

looked at images. What disgusted me even more was my fear of being bitter. I didn’t

want to resent the baby. I didn’t want to misplace my anger. Finally, I stopped wrestling

with myself and decided to keep my appointment. Robbi was set to go with me and I

knew I wouldn’t have to go through the experience alone.

#

Before arriving, the nurse warned me to ignore any protestors outside. I

was uncomfortable that I would even have to face protestors. Sure enough while we searched for parking, a priest walked by the clinic trying to pass out a pamphlet. I walked into the clinic, everything looked brown and there was a weird tone in the office. I felt embarrassed and I just wanted to be done. There were young girls with their mothers; there were ladies with their boyfriends.

After talking to a few, I found out some were repeat patients. I did not ever want to repeat that scene. When I was called to go in the back, I hoped I could forgive myself. The nurse administered pain medication and a local anesthetic but I could still feel discomfort and pain. As I laid on my back, fought back the tears, and grinded my teeth, I thought I said I would never get an abortion.

End